Things You Missed Me Being Annoyed About and/or Fascinated By for the Past Few Months

1) Some fitness celebrities know almost nothing about fitness. I have more fitness certifications than she does. I also eat meals that include actual food and don't yell at people in the gym. I'm willing to take bets on which of us is more mentally healthy.



2) This video is kind of long so I forgive you for not watching it but his most interesting comments are peppered about the middle of the thing. Also, food chemistry is crazy. I almost failed actual chemistry in high school, so perhaps my evaluation is not that useful.



3) Recipes are awesome and real people who try them out are awesome and when those awesome real people tell you about their style and habits in the kitchen you listen. Put THAT on the list of things I'll teach my kids.



4) Folks in the food-iverse are all crazed about Alton's Browns comments about Man vs. Food. The rest of the interview is way more interesting. Put 'born again Christian' on the list of many things I didn't know about Alton Brown.



5) After being told that some of my friends actually read this I have returned. Again. I have a poor track record so you can choose to believe me or not. Though, I hope you'll comment if you really do read because I can't see you through this box!

Moving Quick Today, Try to Keep Up

Moving quick is also known as I-am-all-over-the-place-just-let-me-go-about-my-business. At work today I couldn’t sit still so I had to run errands. As in, I spent my lunch hour (lunch-20-minutes) on errands because my desk chair seemed to be throwing me out the door. I blame this on international travel. I have a lot of things to do and none of them get done when I sit in chairs! And yes, you’re probably right, this is a habit that helps with weight loss. Thanks, Mom, for the jittery habit.

I find bridal beauty tips kind of hilarious. And not just because I read the photo credit at the end of slide three as Little Blue Men. The tips imply that you should take really good care of yourself when you’re about to have 600 photos of yourself that span about 10 hours of your life but it also implies that you don’t really need to worry about drinking water when you’re single or after you’re married. In case you were wondering there were about 600 photos at my wedding between 2 pm and midnight. That is one photo per minute. Sure, not all of them are of me but I have never felt so documented. Kind of weird.

In honor of ridiculous lists I’m going to make one of my own. Be you bride or baby daddy, below is a list of ways to keep yourself looking trim and great (if you think I'm serious I have a bridge to sell you), for your reading pleasure.

1) Follow the food pyramid religiously.

Your day should include: One three ounce serving of whole grain (example: piece of toast is around this weight and is about 150 calories); ‘More’ dark green veggies, orange veggies and dry beans and peas (I dunno about you but more is kind of relative and thus useless); A variety of fruit which can be fresh frozen canned or dried and you should go easy on fruit juice (again, How vague can you be government?); Fat from fish, nuts and vegetable oil while limiting solid fats like butter (Did you know butter has fewer calories than olive oil?); Low-fat or fat-free dairy (I have already gotten rowdy about how this is total crap); Low-fat, lean meat and poultry that is not fried and beans should be varied.

Do you feel like you know more about how to eat? No, I didn’t think so.

2) Don’t eat carbs, drink soda or enjoy yourself, ever.

Like toast? Eat some freaking toast. Just don’t eat an entire loaf of bread. Like soda? Have one with lunch. Just don’t drink two liters in an hour. Basically this stuff about not eating certain things and eating other things is completely ridiculous. People who are fit and have healthy habits are people who concern themselves with what they’ve eaten over an entire day, week or even month.

For example, after lunch today I ate a cookie the size of my butt. So my butt doesn’t look like two cookies I’ll eat lots of veggies for dinner. Moderation? Sure. Just don’t hate your life because you’re killing yourself over a soda or a bagel.

3) If you overeat one day, just cleanse the next day.

I’m not sure how some people do those cleanse plans. I know everyone has heard about how Beyonce does the cayenne pepper thing but holy moly on a stick I would freak out. Granted, I struggle if I don’t eat every three hours or so but drinking cayenne pepper in lemon juice? I’d rather die.

The real problem with this kind of behavior is that you’re really just beating yourself up about your poor choices. Do you spend all your time lamenting about how you kissed the nerdy kid at the school dance in 5th grade? No? Well punishing yourself about eating pie last week is just about as useful. Eat something today that makes you feel good. If you screw that up, tomorrow is another day. Learn something from your choices, move on.

4) Don’t eat gluten, dairy, soy or whey.

This is similar to the second one except in #2 I’m more talking about your appreciation for life whereas this is more about this craze with avoiding things because you might possibly have a mild allergy. Look, Crohn’s disease is a real thing. Gluten allergies are real. Lactose intolerance is real. If you think you might possibly be allergic to something but you can’t really say why maybe its time to stop trying to convince yourself of some problem. It’s called a reality check.

The upshot:

Calm yourself. Stop beating yourself up. Stop freaking out about that donut or the extra large whole milk latte. Enjoy life. Take care of yourself.

Happy brides love themselves, fat or not. Unhappy brides can be unhappy for a million reasons which can have nothing to do with being fat or skinny.

Same goes for regular people.

Maybe I Should Buy a Juicer

Some very nice friends of ours got us a soda maker for our wedding. There aren't many things I find more refreshing than what used to be called 'fizzy water' when I was a child. I'm planning to be somewhat adventurous too. Perhaps carbonated coffee? But sometime I just need a little seltzer and occasionally I like to add a splash of juice. Usually I only order this in restaurants because buying an entire container of juice would be silly, since I'd never finish it. The only juice that ends up in our fridge is generally of the orange variety and only when hubs (no longer fiance) has a cold.

So last night, I'm walking around the grocery store, as I am the great-granddaughter of a food distributor and it is in my genetics to enjoy these types of errands when I realize that I'm very, incredibly, insanely thirsty.

Seltzer!

Oh! I'm in the juice aisle. And then . . . my picky self arrived. I wasted at least 10 minutes of my life on the stupid juice aisle. "Juice?", you say, "Really?". To which I will respond, "HAVE YOU SEEN THE CRAP THEY PUT IN JUICE?". If you have ever seen the FRIENDS episode where Ross finds out Rachel is pregnant and that condoms aren't 100% effective, you've seen my level of rage. "THEY SHOULD PUT IT ON THE PACKAGE", he screams. "They do", she responds. Clearly, I need to relax about juice, but really, I had no idea the level to which the juice industry has fallen.

I'll let you finish rolling your eyes now.

That Is One Nutty Spaniard

Today is 'Act Like the Scale Doesn't Exist Day' in my world. So let's move away from yesterday's thoughts.

At around 24 minutes Jose Andres makes a fascinating point about third world countries and their ability to support their own food/hunger and how it relates to struggling economies. The rest of it is pretty good too.

Bridezillas Are Probably Better at Journaling

I up and got myself married, interwebs. For some reason getting married occupies every part of your universe for months beforehand and for sometime afterward (unless you hire a planner, or so I've heard). I have only seven thank you notes left. I will conquer them this weekend.

So my blogging fell by the wayside but so did my eating in some ways and next week I'm off to Greece to relax like crazy. If it is possible to be intense about relaxation, then that is my current emotional status. I am GOING TO BE RELAXING DAMMIT. I'm even kicking off the relaxing with a massage and pedicure on Sunday all thanks to my wonderful co-workers.

Calories, how you bloat me. Really, I just don't know how to analyze how it all fell apart in the last few months. I haven't gained 20 pounds or anything but I don't really deserve a reward for making good choices either. I'm trying a new system, suggested by a friend, from www.freedieting.com. I'm on the fence about its functionality, mostly because I've only been doing it for 1.5 weeks. And, honestly, I don't plan to journal in Greece. Well, not calorie journal. I might still do a food journal. Although, hard to say, what with all the intense relaxing I'll be doing.

Whilst I was missing from this space I discovered a new food read. Now, excuse me while I try to eat something without popping my pants button.

Hello!

Four months? Too long? Sorry about that.

While I get my act together on the returning to blog-land here is something to watch. Ellen Gustafson needs a Xanax and maybe a speech writer but she is also right.

Do You Bite Your Thumb At Me, Sir?

Yes, I do bite my thumb, sir, but I do not bite my thumb at you, sir.

Everyone needs a little Shakespeare in the afternoon.

So, I'm a food snob. I just need to accept this. I have gotten to the point where I wont even eat fruit if I suspect it was grown across the pond. I'd rather go hungry than eat something that will make me feel the bloat of processed sodium based foods. I've started leaving parties hungry. I never used to do that.

The greatest offenders:
5. Yogurt.

Dannon? Yoplait? I don't care what brand you slap on it all that stuff is gross. Even that Stoneyfield Farm stuff is creepy. Real yogurt is gloppy. That is the best adjective I can come up with. I will say it is just short of chunky. It needs honey or something in it to make it palatable. Really great yogurt is not creamy. Cream is creamy, yogurt is not.

4. Ketchup.

My hate for this is nearly shocking to my younger self. I used to eat it A LOT. I put it on eggs, burgers, really anything starchy. Now I prefer my eggs either fried or scrambled with local cheese and sausage inside and generous salt and pepper on top. Burgers are also better with local cheese and not much else. Sometimes not even a bun, I won't start on processed bread.

I sometimes still do eat some ketchup but largely I think the plastic bottled stuff tastes like metal. When you were a kid did you ever lick a bloody wound? That is what ketchup tastes like to me now.

3. Red Delicious Apples.

Not delicious. Local apples are the best thing that every happened to me. Fiance is tired of them. We've been eating them almost exclusively (save for a short pear season this year) since October. I could eat them four times a day forever and ever. Red delicious apples are mealy even when they're fresh. Even the smell of them makes me gag a little. It is sort of this cardboard aroma combined with what I'm sure worm guts smell like.

I could totally eat a local berry right now, don't get me wrong, but I am just fine with the fujis from Toigo.

2. Turkey bacon.

After college I lived on this stuff. I was so sure it was good for me. Then I read about how it is made. I won't even go into it, just google it if you dare.

Real bacon please, thanks.

1. Pizza.

I realize this is not a whole food but a group of other foods. It actually combines some of my snob-feelings of 1-4. Processed cheese, flavorless. processed tomato product, metal. Processed meat, pressed and not actual meat. The concept of chain pizza frightens me and frozen pizza is the biggest waste of money ever. Homemade pizza could not be easier.

There are few things I enjoy being snobby about more than saving money and eating well. Pizza wins.