I have forty million ideas going on my head and before I verbally (bloggally?) diarrhea them all over you I thought I'd post fun links and gather myself for Monday. Anger at Taco Bell to be seen next week, fyi.
Picture number 26 is fantastic and makes me want to find toast.
I already thought soda was weird and now I'm even sure-r-er.
Farming versus fooding. Or maybe farming working with fooding? Who knows, like the political spectrum its really just a circle, not a line.
I love beets and apparently my new interest in sardines isn't totally nuts.
Today, over gchat, I had an elaborate conversation about a love of poached eggs with an old friend. Try to poach an egg (or fry one until the whites are white and the yolk is wiggly) and put it over anything. If we hadn't given up I'm nearly sure we could have agreed upon hundreds of things to put poached eggs on - tomato salads, toast, toast with tomato sauce, asparagus, asparagus and salmon, oatmeal, grains of almost any variety . . . maybe poached eggs are like bacon and are good with everything?
Showing posts with label lists. Show all posts
Showing posts with label lists. Show all posts
Friday, January 8, 2010
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Similarities
Tell me you don't love analogies and metaphors and I'll call you a big fat liar. Comparisons are a writer's best friend. By writer I don't mean me on this blog. I mean someone who is in the act of conveying thoughts which is, um, almost everyone. You convey thoughts in writing regularly, probably more often than you realize.
Growing up I was the worst writer ever. No really, my parents could tell you story upon story about how I could not figure out how to write. One day, my father, a lover or writing for the sake of writing, told me that writing is just a person conveying thoughts. Somehow, that clicked in my brain like nothing an English teacher had told me before. Duh!
Instructions for a writer:
1. Think thoughts.
2. Write them down.
3. Make them pretty. (optional)
After my writing epiphany metaphors and I were like this. Okay, so maybe I'm not that good at the whole conveying thing because now I'm trying to type with my fingers crossed. Like this I tell you.
So here is my latest metaphor:
Weight management is like a toddler bed. No, really. For some children it isn't necessary. For some children it is necessary and sticks around for way too long. For some children it might be unnecessary but for some weird reason it exists for a while and disappears. I thought about creating a side by side analysis of how all these things are true but I'll spare you and give you my best examples.
Children it is necessary for.
Toddler bed is to weight management as rolling onto the floor is to an addiction to office chocolates.
Children it is necessary for but sticks around for too long.
Toddler bed is to weight management as new-baby-attention-jealousy is to bad karma/emotional eating from family death/house fires/job loss trends.
Children for whom it exists for some weird reason.
Toddler bed is to weight management as Mom-works-three-jobs-and-doesn't-have-time-to-move-furniture is to Mom-works-three-jobs-and-doesn't-have-time-to-go-to-the-grocery-store.
PS: Similes also rock.
Growing up I was the worst writer ever. No really, my parents could tell you story upon story about how I could not figure out how to write. One day, my father, a lover or writing for the sake of writing, told me that writing is just a person conveying thoughts. Somehow, that clicked in my brain like nothing an English teacher had told me before. Duh!
Instructions for a writer:
1. Think thoughts.
2. Write them down.
3. Make them pretty. (optional)
After my writing epiphany metaphors and I were like this. Okay, so maybe I'm not that good at the whole conveying thing because now I'm trying to type with my fingers crossed. Like this I tell you.
So here is my latest metaphor:
Weight management is like a toddler bed. No, really. For some children it isn't necessary. For some children it is necessary and sticks around for way too long. For some children it might be unnecessary but for some weird reason it exists for a while and disappears. I thought about creating a side by side analysis of how all these things are true but I'll spare you and give you my best examples.
Children it is necessary for.
Toddler bed is to weight management as rolling onto the floor is to an addiction to office chocolates.
Children it is necessary for but sticks around for too long.
Toddler bed is to weight management as new-baby-attention-jealousy is to bad karma/emotional eating from family death/house fires/job loss trends.
Children for whom it exists for some weird reason.
Toddler bed is to weight management as Mom-works-three-jobs-and-doesn't-have-time-to-move-furniture is to Mom-works-three-jobs-and-doesn't-have-time-to-go-to-the-grocery-store.
PS: Similes also rock.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
All Your Behavior Are Belong to Us
At the gym/in fitness/in nutrition there are inevitables. These are things you just can not avoid. The universe doesn't care if you don't want or need them and here are a list of my favorites.
- No matter how many squats you do, how often or if you practice them your ass and/or hips will always hurt the next day. You could do 50 per day for a month and your butt will still scream when you get up out of bed in the morning. Squats are the most effective way to make yourself limp around your office, same goes for planks on your elbows.
- You will decide to give up soy/dairy/insert food here. Within 24 hours you will be presented with what must be the tastiest food you have ever seen made entirely of the thing you gave up.
- No matter how much you avoid group exercise or how much you wear your ear phones the entire time you're at the gym you will have a gym buddy/creepy stalker. You will see this person regularly, there will be no logic to the fact that they seem to be there every time you are and they will give you funny looks. Some day, down the road you will discover they probably think the same thing of you.
- You will get dressed in the morning and discover that all your pants are too tight. There will be no explanation for this. You will freak out and be preoccupied about it all day. You wont change your eating habits (much) and the next day it will all be normal again. You will ignore this and forget about it and be pleased to do so. This same type of scenario will occur when you have a chest cramp at the gym. You will spend 5 minutes sure that you are having one of those healthy people heart attacks. At minute 6 you will start to think about what to have for dinner.
- You will embarrass yourself. You will fall off your treadmill/step/bike/the ground and try your best to save face by standing up as quickly as possible. The effort you make to 'catch' yourself will only injure you further.
- When you finally return to the gym after a 3 month hiatus after falling on your ass, someone will mention that they haven't seen you in ages and you will be even more embarrassed.
- You will accidentally eat an extra 800 calories the morning of the same day you plan to go out and have a huge dinner. This accident generally comes in the form of an office muffin. You will innocently look up the calories online at your desk. You will still go out dinner. But you will also feel like the biggest tub of lard the next day.
And not care.
- Someone you know and thought was totally sane will decide to pick up a crazy habit to lose weight/build muscle/be less of a lard ass. You will ignore this because, duh, they are crazy. Their crazy will pay off and you will hate them.
- If you do lose weight and feel healthy someone will mention that they think you are anorexic/don't eat enough/must have a stomach worm. You will ignore them and only feel better about yourself. You will then google stomach worms.
- Your mother/grandmother/cousin/great aunt twice removed will reminisce about your childhood and mention how you were such a skinny little kid back then. You will spend the following holiday sure she trying to pork you up.
- You will become addicted to a 'normal' food like applesauce, toast, hummus. You will realize that this box a day of wheat thins/100 calorie pack/raisin obsession is probably what is making your pants tighter. You will continue consuming this 'normal' item until you actually must by all new pants. You wont buy new pants.
I'm sure I'm missing some, help me out!
- No matter how many squats you do, how often or if you practice them your ass and/or hips will always hurt the next day. You could do 50 per day for a month and your butt will still scream when you get up out of bed in the morning. Squats are the most effective way to make yourself limp around your office, same goes for planks on your elbows.
- You will decide to give up soy/dairy/insert food here. Within 24 hours you will be presented with what must be the tastiest food you have ever seen made entirely of the thing you gave up.
- No matter how much you avoid group exercise or how much you wear your ear phones the entire time you're at the gym you will have a gym buddy/creepy stalker. You will see this person regularly, there will be no logic to the fact that they seem to be there every time you are and they will give you funny looks. Some day, down the road you will discover they probably think the same thing of you.
- You will get dressed in the morning and discover that all your pants are too tight. There will be no explanation for this. You will freak out and be preoccupied about it all day. You wont change your eating habits (much) and the next day it will all be normal again. You will ignore this and forget about it and be pleased to do so. This same type of scenario will occur when you have a chest cramp at the gym. You will spend 5 minutes sure that you are having one of those healthy people heart attacks. At minute 6 you will start to think about what to have for dinner.
- You will embarrass yourself. You will fall off your treadmill/step/bike/the ground and try your best to save face by standing up as quickly as possible. The effort you make to 'catch' yourself will only injure you further.
- When you finally return to the gym after a 3 month hiatus after falling on your ass, someone will mention that they haven't seen you in ages and you will be even more embarrassed.
- You will accidentally eat an extra 800 calories the morning of the same day you plan to go out and have a huge dinner. This accident generally comes in the form of an office muffin. You will innocently look up the calories online at your desk. You will still go out dinner. But you will also feel like the biggest tub of lard the next day.
And not care.
- Someone you know and thought was totally sane will decide to pick up a crazy habit to lose weight/build muscle/be less of a lard ass. You will ignore this because, duh, they are crazy. Their crazy will pay off and you will hate them.
- If you do lose weight and feel healthy someone will mention that they think you are anorexic/don't eat enough/must have a stomach worm. You will ignore them and only feel better about yourself. You will then google stomach worms.
- Your mother/grandmother/cousin/great aunt twice removed will reminisce about your childhood and mention how you were such a skinny little kid back then. You will spend the following holiday sure she trying to pork you up.
- You will become addicted to a 'normal' food like applesauce, toast, hummus. You will realize that this box a day of wheat thins/100 calorie pack/raisin obsession is probably what is making your pants tighter. You will continue consuming this 'normal' item until you actually must by all new pants. You wont buy new pants.
I'm sure I'm missing some, help me out!
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Things That Make Me Want to Go Over My Daily Calorie Alotment
Being underutilized at work.
People who seem to be entirely mentally healthy but completely confused by reality. I'm not talking about people who's reality differs from mine - everyone has their world view - but the people who refuse to accept that anyone else's world view is different from their own.
Wanting dessert but not wanting dessert but not needing dessert. Gah.
The lack of time I get in an average day to spend with the most important people in life including but not limited to one very adorable but overworked fiance.
Being underutilized at work while living with someone who is so overworked.
Working really hard so all signs point to yes but still having said signs point to no when I get to the proverbial finish line.
Calories in wine. Not fair.
Health insurance. Pretty much anything about it. Its cost, its inability to be useful...the list goes on.
Sports injuries from high school which were obtained by listening to a really moronic coach and will not quit despite being older and wiser. Older and wiser can make heels heal no?
Television that is so clearly bad for everyone involved.
People who exhibit a ridiculous lack of professionalism.
The cost of an iPhone. Also, the cost of technology in general.
People who judge mothers and generally perpetuate the mommy wars. Seriously? Leave these women alone about their life choices already. (Kathie Lee is what is wrong with the world. If you are following in her crappy foot steps, beware.)
People who totally link to every popular blog. GOD.
Having a hard time finding my writing 'voice'. There was another part to that sentence but I forgot what it was supposed to say.
Somehow being confused about how the 'save now' button works and losing this rant more than once. Oh the irony.
So, people, what burns you up? Gimme some comments!
People who seem to be entirely mentally healthy but completely confused by reality. I'm not talking about people who's reality differs from mine - everyone has their world view - but the people who refuse to accept that anyone else's world view is different from their own.
Wanting dessert but not wanting dessert but not needing dessert. Gah.
The lack of time I get in an average day to spend with the most important people in life including but not limited to one very adorable but overworked fiance.
Being underutilized at work while living with someone who is so overworked.
Working really hard so all signs point to yes but still having said signs point to no when I get to the proverbial finish line.
Calories in wine. Not fair.
Health insurance. Pretty much anything about it. Its cost, its inability to be useful...the list goes on.
Sports injuries from high school which were obtained by listening to a really moronic coach and will not quit despite being older and wiser. Older and wiser can make heels heal no?
Television that is so clearly bad for everyone involved.
People who exhibit a ridiculous lack of professionalism.
The cost of an iPhone. Also, the cost of technology in general.
People who judge mothers and generally perpetuate the mommy wars. Seriously? Leave these women alone about their life choices already. (Kathie Lee is what is wrong with the world. If you are following in her crappy foot steps, beware.)
People who totally link to every popular blog. GOD.
Having a hard time finding my writing 'voice'. There was another part to that sentence but I forgot what it was supposed to say.
Somehow being confused about how the 'save now' button works and losing this rant more than once. Oh the irony.
So, people, what burns you up? Gimme some comments!
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