Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Moving Quick Today, Try to Keep Up

Moving quick is also known as I-am-all-over-the-place-just-let-me-go-about-my-business. At work today I couldn’t sit still so I had to run errands. As in, I spent my lunch hour (lunch-20-minutes) on errands because my desk chair seemed to be throwing me out the door. I blame this on international travel. I have a lot of things to do and none of them get done when I sit in chairs! And yes, you’re probably right, this is a habit that helps with weight loss. Thanks, Mom, for the jittery habit.

I find bridal beauty tips kind of hilarious. And not just because I read the photo credit at the end of slide three as Little Blue Men. The tips imply that you should take really good care of yourself when you’re about to have 600 photos of yourself that span about 10 hours of your life but it also implies that you don’t really need to worry about drinking water when you’re single or after you’re married. In case you were wondering there were about 600 photos at my wedding between 2 pm and midnight. That is one photo per minute. Sure, not all of them are of me but I have never felt so documented. Kind of weird.

In honor of ridiculous lists I’m going to make one of my own. Be you bride or baby daddy, below is a list of ways to keep yourself looking trim and great (if you think I'm serious I have a bridge to sell you), for your reading pleasure.

1) Follow the food pyramid religiously.

Your day should include: One three ounce serving of whole grain (example: piece of toast is around this weight and is about 150 calories); ‘More’ dark green veggies, orange veggies and dry beans and peas (I dunno about you but more is kind of relative and thus useless); A variety of fruit which can be fresh frozen canned or dried and you should go easy on fruit juice (again, How vague can you be government?); Fat from fish, nuts and vegetable oil while limiting solid fats like butter (Did you know butter has fewer calories than olive oil?); Low-fat or fat-free dairy (I have already gotten rowdy about how this is total crap); Low-fat, lean meat and poultry that is not fried and beans should be varied.

Do you feel like you know more about how to eat? No, I didn’t think so.

2) Don’t eat carbs, drink soda or enjoy yourself, ever.

Like toast? Eat some freaking toast. Just don’t eat an entire loaf of bread. Like soda? Have one with lunch. Just don’t drink two liters in an hour. Basically this stuff about not eating certain things and eating other things is completely ridiculous. People who are fit and have healthy habits are people who concern themselves with what they’ve eaten over an entire day, week or even month.

For example, after lunch today I ate a cookie the size of my butt. So my butt doesn’t look like two cookies I’ll eat lots of veggies for dinner. Moderation? Sure. Just don’t hate your life because you’re killing yourself over a soda or a bagel.

3) If you overeat one day, just cleanse the next day.

I’m not sure how some people do those cleanse plans. I know everyone has heard about how Beyonce does the cayenne pepper thing but holy moly on a stick I would freak out. Granted, I struggle if I don’t eat every three hours or so but drinking cayenne pepper in lemon juice? I’d rather die.

The real problem with this kind of behavior is that you’re really just beating yourself up about your poor choices. Do you spend all your time lamenting about how you kissed the nerdy kid at the school dance in 5th grade? No? Well punishing yourself about eating pie last week is just about as useful. Eat something today that makes you feel good. If you screw that up, tomorrow is another day. Learn something from your choices, move on.

4) Don’t eat gluten, dairy, soy or whey.

This is similar to the second one except in #2 I’m more talking about your appreciation for life whereas this is more about this craze with avoiding things because you might possibly have a mild allergy. Look, Crohn’s disease is a real thing. Gluten allergies are real. Lactose intolerance is real. If you think you might possibly be allergic to something but you can’t really say why maybe its time to stop trying to convince yourself of some problem. It’s called a reality check.

The upshot:

Calm yourself. Stop beating yourself up. Stop freaking out about that donut or the extra large whole milk latte. Enjoy life. Take care of yourself.

Happy brides love themselves, fat or not. Unhappy brides can be unhappy for a million reasons which can have nothing to do with being fat or skinny.

Same goes for regular people.

Monday, August 2, 2010

Maybe I Should Buy a Juicer

Some very nice friends of ours got us a soda maker for our wedding. There aren't many things I find more refreshing than what used to be called 'fizzy water' when I was a child. I'm planning to be somewhat adventurous too. Perhaps carbonated coffee? But sometime I just need a little seltzer and occasionally I like to add a splash of juice. Usually I only order this in restaurants because buying an entire container of juice would be silly, since I'd never finish it. The only juice that ends up in our fridge is generally of the orange variety and only when hubs (no longer fiance) has a cold.

So last night, I'm walking around the grocery store, as I am the great-granddaughter of a food distributor and it is in my genetics to enjoy these types of errands when I realize that I'm very, incredibly, insanely thirsty.


Oh! I'm in the juice aisle. And then . . . my picky self arrived. I wasted at least 10 minutes of my life on the stupid juice aisle. "Juice?", you say, "Really?". To which I will respond, "HAVE YOU SEEN THE CRAP THEY PUT IN JUICE?". If you have ever seen the FRIENDS episode where Ross finds out Rachel is pregnant and that condoms aren't 100% effective, you've seen my level of rage. "THEY SHOULD PUT IT ON THE PACKAGE", he screams. "They do", she responds. Clearly, I need to relax about juice, but really, I had no idea the level to which the juice industry has fallen.

I'll let you finish rolling your eyes now.