You Are Weak

But don't worry. You can't help it.

I'm considering posting video of workouts. Perhaps one in which I learn to actually do push ups. Because, really, I can't. I know you're so shocked.

Also, I'm a cliche. I got married and then got chubbier. My new plan is three cardio workouts and two lifting workouts per week. So far, lifting is killing me. Returning to the squat rack makes me annoyed with myself. This is mostly because I kick myself for ever giving it up. Yea, I failed to mention that I gave up my lifting habits. Color me not shocked that I stopped lifting and got heavier. Lesson learned, thanks.

Stupid People Behavior

I've seen a lot of really stupid gym behavior in my time as a gym member and as a gym employee. I only spend 4 hours working and probably only 4 more on my own time at the gym per week but boy am I well aware that people stupid.

One case on Sunday, which fiance told me I was overreacting to, was a girl who was not only working out in really stupid ways but also wearing a horribly offensive t-shirt. Her t-shirt espoused hate for both gay people and women who have their period. Perhaps I didn't need to get as rowdy about this as I did but she was also squatting with the worst form I have ever seen from a woman who looked fit. She also did sit-ups on a stability ball that involved violently throwing her upper body up. I had to resist telling her she wasn't using her abs and instead just hurting her spine.

She is not alone. There are a lot of stupid things you can do at the gym. I particularly like numbers 4 and 6. The explanations for these two are the root of my gym annoyance. Unnatural movements at the gym do nothing for you. Number 1 isn't bad either. I mean, at what point in life do you need to move in that way? Except for taking your lazy legs off the coffee table the answer is never. The abductor and adductor machine look fun but unless you're a working girl, I really doubt this is necessary for your life. Squatting and deadlifting are good because they imitate things you actually do.

I'm going to stop ranting now before steam starts coming out of my ears.

Looking for Weekend Fun?

I have an idea for you! Instead of going to the gym and using weights, pick up a person.

You may have noticed a friend of mine commenting previously about deadlifting her. At her wedding a while ago I almost tried to squat her but was wearing a dress so didn't get very far.

Well, not shockingly, I did not come up with this idea all on my own. Turkish getups are an insanely hard work out. You could use a kettlebell or a regular weight orrrrrr a person.

Just a weekend fun idea from me to you!

Incredible Shrinking Ladies

So I have returned to heavy/serious lifting. I never talked about stopping here but somehow during fiance's rugby season I stopped going to the gym with the good weight lifting equipment because he stopped going. Put away your righteous indignation, feminists. It isn't because I stayed home while he did other things. I still taught all my classes and went to the gym on my own but I just didn't go with the person who usually encourages me to do the heavy lifting and so I got lazy about it.

I also have a new program. It is most awesome and I'd love to explain it to you except I don't understand it. Fiance did some reading and came up with the plan. I'm sure he'd explain it to me if I asked but I haven't. Also it has to do with percentages or something and equations are hard for this liberal arts person. I can budget myself into a corner but I can't seem to divide. I still remember finding it really hard to do long division in the fourth grade. When nasty Mrs. Powell told me she couldn't help me if I didn't get the concept yet. Not only did she not help me but I pretty much gave up on math then and there. In yo' face lady. I hear she is pretty overweight these days. I probably can't help her though if she doesn't get the concept of healthy eating yet. (Ahem, that was a lot of bitterness I had forgotten about, moving on.)

What I do know about the heavy lifting is that it is pretty awesome. Aside from making my back look awesome in my wedding dress it also makes me feel stronger. On top of which, science tells us its great for your bones. I come from a long line of osteopenia-ites and shrinking ladies. Now, bear with me but for those of us who like our calories we know that the taller you are the more you can consume. As you age you have to eat fewer calories because your metabolism slows down. I'm thinking that if I keep up the heavy lifting and avoid the shrinking then maybe I don't have to give up as many calories as I age. So here are my thoughts: lift heavy weights (for example: I deadlifted 115 pounds 9 times on Sunday. Go me.), stay the same height, have strong bones and still eat my favorites.

Speaking of eating: nom nom nom. These were eaten in my house last night, made by fiance. He deserves all the noms.

Step, Ouch, Step, Ouch, Step, Ouch

This was the soundtrack of my weekend. I started lifting heavy again and did a pyramid of sprints on Saturday. My lats, obliques and hamstrings would like to remove themselves from their torturer (read: me [and also a little bit fiance]). Fiance 'designed' my lifting program. He did some reading and came up with a fancy plan that has something to do with science. Basically one day a week I deadlift and bench press and another I'll squat and overhead press.

I lifted on Friday and then again on Sunday. On Saturday we went to a nearby high school track and ran a sprint pyramid that went like this:

30 second sprint
30 second recovery walk or jog
1 minute sprint
1 minute recovery walk or jog
1:30 minute sprint
1:30 minute recovery walk or jog
and back down to 30 seconds

Then we did 'starts'. Starts are where you lie on the ground and explode into a run. You can start one of four ways: on your back facing away from your direction, on your front facing away from your direction, on your back facing towards your direction and on your front facing towards your direction. We realized after we were done that we should have used starts as a warm up.

On the one hand, after all this activity, I felt pretty awesome. I wont speak for him but fiance said he did too. On the other hand, I felt like I wanted to remove my muscles. I like being sore to a point. Sometimes it goes beyond that point and lying still hurts. I'm hoping its just because I started lifting again.

In food news, we also vowed to eat at home until we leave for Thanksgiving on Wednesday morning. I'm pretty sure that eating quality calories had a lot to do with the awesome. I even accidentally missed hitting my minimum calorie mark yesterday. Usually Sundays are what my father calls a caloric disaster. This particular Sunday was pretty great. I even made meatballs. What I have to say about meatballs is this: nom nomnom.

I adapted my meatball recipe from a Cooking Light recipe for meatloaf that I can't seem to find online. Suffice it to say the key is what would seem like a ridiculous amount of parmesan and parsley for only 2 pounds of beef - like a quarter cup of each. Yes, nom nomnom.

Speaking of food I'm going to try to blog the hell out of Thanksgiving. So keep it here folks because I plan to help you commiserate about holiday food and working as hard as possible to button your favorite jeans.

Mmmmm, Fatty Death.

A coworker and I were innocently walking out of our office building yesterday in search of our afternoon snack when a woman with a camera man and a boom operator approached us. She asked if we'd be willing to answer a few questions and we hesitantly said yes (I hadn't brushed my hair or put on lipstick in hours, this is TV people). She then asked both of us, one at a time how many grams of fat we thought were in movie theater popcorn. My coworker's answer was so perfect, "Since its delicious I bet its a lot." My answer was something stupid about how I hate popcorn and blech yuck, I'm way intelligent, ya'll.

Delicious = fatty death is a really good point, however. My post yesterday is a good example of this. Nachos and lasagna for lunch were awesome. The feeling after was awful. Loads of young-ish people tell me (either with words or funny looks) that they don't really concern themselves with their eating habits. To each his own. I have to say I personally love the feeling that goes with eating well and working out. I'm not saying I'm an asceticist or anything and I certainly go out to eat, cook well and enjoy full fat cheese but I prefer to reduce the feeling of death on toast. There are also plenty of other benefits (no thanks, cancer, you stay over there).

The larger, more important point is that you can eat deliciousness without the fatty death part. The obvious answer is portion control. Yea it might be fun to eat the entire cake but I actually like being able to have one slice per day and enjoy it over time. It takes a load of patience and the habit is not for everyone, I'll admit. The other answer is cooking more healthfully. I'm not saying you should invest in that idiotic cooking spray crap, the price of which is so jacked up its like Tickle Me Elmo at Christmas. I also don't purchase low fat cheese, cause, um, yuck. Have you ever seen that crap melt? It looks like you put Tupperware on your burger. I'm not advocating that you buy lower forms of what you like to eat. I'm just saying - steaming and roasting rather than frying.

Now the final issue here is fitness. Fitness is great. A million things are fitness. Walk for goodness sake, I dunno, pick a habit. The thing is, fitness is a very small part of all this. Apparently you can't just eat all you want and work it off. The culprit for the love handles that you're hating on? Diet. The reason your pants are tight after a weekend of fun? Diet. Why your couch squeals when you sit down? Diet.

Bring it on gratins, cheeseburgers and cookies! I will eat you and not frighten my couch.

Nope, Not Gonna Do It, Wouldn't Be Prudent

Running has never been my thing. I can be on a bike for ages. I can roller blade (not that I've done that in ages) for miles. I can run intervals for fifteen minutes on a treadmill where I sprint for a minute and walk for a minute. But marathons scare the hell out of me. They are the kind of thing I would need a million dollar reward to run. Mostly because I think I would sooner die. I would definitely die if I had to do it up stairs the entire way.

There are those who think that's okay because long distance running is bad for the human body. They could be right. I'm certainly not jumping on the marathon bandwagon. But apparently new studies disagree. Apparently distance running played a big part in our evolution. A bajillion years ago we chased our prey by exhausting it. Clearly I would have starved back then. Or eaten the questionable berries.

Even our feet have all sorts of implications. The tribe mentioned in the article even runs tens of miles on thin soled shoes. Please google five finger shoes and then be sufficiently freaked out. I can't even handle it when people walk around the city barefoot while holding their clearly painful shoes.

Pain? Awesome? Dunno!

Every Monday and Wednesday I teach a cycle class. This year my birthday was on a Monday and I found someone to sub for me so I could enjoy a nice meal with my groom. This turned into taking a week off from exercise. It wasn't entirely intentional but a break from the gym and/or exercise can certainly be worth it. For the same reason I believe in interval training I think giving your body a chance to chill can make your future work outs better.

Holy crap did I prove this.

Last night I thought I was going to die. I've been teaching cycle for two years and I have never worked so hard. Also, while I feel fine now, I may have allowed myself to be attacked by a few more germs than usual. My immune system and my endurance level clearly plummeted.

Also, the weirdest part of this is that on Tuesday I thought I had gained 2 pounds from all my overeating (not really you'd have to work incredibly hard to gain 2 pounds in a week, as in consume an extra 7000 calories in that week or 12 pieces of cheesecake, okay that sounds easy - one for breakfast and one for lunch!) and then this morning I had lost those 2 and another .5. Um, whoa.

So either resting from exercise is an invitation for feeling like death OR its a great way to suddenly lose a small amount of weight? I can't decide if I think this is a good thing or a bad thing in the long run.

There Could Be An Old Lady With a Ruler!

Oh, form, how you slay us all.

Fiance will tell you that I regularly comment on poor running form. For at least a year he's been trying to get me to get certified as a track and field coach legit style. Its hard for me, when I see women hunched over (your boobs are not supported for the love of God) or men running with their arms swinging from straight to bent (you are going to pop one of those elbows). But running form can mean the difference between an efficient workout and one that tears ligaments.

Friends who regularly attend my spinning class openly call me the posture Nazi. They are not kidding. I probably cue posture more than I scream the word sprint. Head up, long back, arms straight but not locked out...the list goes on.

I know, I know, lay off every one's case, they're doing their best. Its true, they probably are. The reason I'm vocal about this isn't because I like to correct people (although I occasionally enjoy correcting people in those idiotic Lance Armstrong outfits at indoor cycling classes). The reason I'm vocal is because I have two bad knees, one worse than the other, a cervical spine that is a total disaster and popping ankles. I even have one toe that is so busted that it pops when I just simply bend it. And yes, I still work out like a fiend. You can too! Because its all in the form. Better form means a more efficient workout means more calories burned means more muscles fatigued (in the safest way) leading to more bacon and cake eating . . . or something.

Hide from that Weird Girl at the Gym and Still Workout!

Alright, fine. Proven wrong. He knows how to use the microwave. I'm sorry.

Phew, that was hard.

Moving right along.

Home gym fun!





If you're saying to yourself, "that looks like an erg in the middle of a living room", you would be correct. It is one jump rope, one erg (which folds in two and hides in a corner of our dining room), one yoga mat, two five pound weights and one eight kilogram kettlebell.

What I did with this six foot square space:

2500 meter row
100 goblet squats with 8 kilos
100 sit ups with 10 pounds
50 push-ups
500 jump rope

I did this in 41 minutes and 30 seconds. Last time I tried it it took about 42 minutes.

This was perfect for my attention span. By that I mean, when I got bored of one thing I could do something else. I didn't do it in order. I did jot it down quickly while I was working so I wouldn't lose track. If I rowed for 500 meters I'd jot that down before doing 10 sit ups and jot that down before doing 10 push-ups. Its also easily modified if you don't have an erg or weights. You can skip the weights all together or hold something in your house that's heavy like a child or your pride, maybe add some extra jump ropes, a few burpees or some jumping jacks.

The best part of home gym? Not having to wonder if you're wearing gym appropriate clothing!

This Ain't No Disco

Pause for thought: Who decided the apostrophe in ain't should be in that location? That makes sense in what world?

Moving on. Just a word to those who read my last post. Don't do too much too fast lest you look like me. I'm currently hobbling. Yes, I look like I must be hugely pregnant but minus the belly and glow. On Sunday, that's a whole two days ago, I squatted my body weight plus 10 pounds about 15 times.

At least it doesn't hurt to sit still anymore.