Monday, January 4, 2010

Way Under Par

An excerpt from a conversation heard round the world:

X: My New Year's resolution is to lose weight.

Y: My New Year's resolution is to exercise more.

X: Great, we'll go running together and eat salad together. I'm so excited.

Y: My hangover is raging from New Year's Eve. Want to go get pancakes and some hair of the dog?

X: Oh, God, yes please.

And, scene.

This conversation happens a million times over around the world at the start of each year. If a health resolution isn't broken in a few days its probably broken in hours. There are two reasons for this.

One, New Year's is in the winter. In the winter it is freaking freezing. This past weekend was easily the coldest I've experienced in years. I even wore pants to church on Sunday and I always wear a skirt. Always. Its a Greek lady thing, I can't tell you a good reason, I just do. So you know its really cold when I wear pants to church. Anyway, since its so damn cold your eating is handicapped from the start. It is far easier to get your hands on hot meaty stew and also your body wants to eat hot meaty stew because you're freaking freezing.

Two, no tasty fruit is readily available. Sure you could eat a box of clementines and a few mealy apples but that sounds gross and boring for three freaking months. Even the farmer's market is looking lame right now. The honey crisp apple bin (if you have never had one of these you have not yet lived) looked like the bin of trash produce from your generic grocery store yesterday. It was sad looking to say the least.

By resolving to be healthier in the middle of your area's version of arctic tundra you're combining cold unhappy body with frozen farmland and ending up with cold unhappy and hungry you. See? Stupid.

This is me giving out free passes to be a little lame in the health department during the time of year when your risk of hypothermia is higher.

I said a little lame. Not totally lame. I find myself with a very limited amount of will power. I can't resist a good cookie when its been offered three times. I'm going to give in on the third time if it looks tasty enough. The thing is though, you can totally make resolutions to be better. You just need to not be a moron about it. (I was once/often am a moron about this.) If you try to make a million changes the first day of the year and cram them all into your life at the same time on a frozen day in January when there is no fruit to be had you're trapping yourself in a mealy apple filled hell of your own making.

Make resolutions? Sure. Start small and build up? Yes. Handicap yourself so you fail? No, thanks.

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