Thursday, November 12, 2009

All Your Behavior Are Belong to Us

At the gym/in fitness/in nutrition there are inevitables. These are things you just can not avoid. The universe doesn't care if you don't want or need them and here are a list of my favorites.

- No matter how many squats you do, how often or if you practice them your ass and/or hips will always hurt the next day. You could do 50 per day for a month and your butt will still scream when you get up out of bed in the morning. Squats are the most effective way to make yourself limp around your office, same goes for planks on your elbows.

- You will decide to give up soy/dairy/insert food here. Within 24 hours you will be presented with what must be the tastiest food you have ever seen made entirely of the thing you gave up.

- No matter how much you avoid group exercise or how much you wear your ear phones the entire time you're at the gym you will have a gym buddy/creepy stalker. You will see this person regularly, there will be no logic to the fact that they seem to be there every time you are and they will give you funny looks. Some day, down the road you will discover they probably think the same thing of you.

- You will get dressed in the morning and discover that all your pants are too tight. There will be no explanation for this. You will freak out and be preoccupied about it all day. You wont change your eating habits (much) and the next day it will all be normal again. You will ignore this and forget about it and be pleased to do so. This same type of scenario will occur when you have a chest cramp at the gym. You will spend 5 minutes sure that you are having one of those healthy people heart attacks. At minute 6 you will start to think about what to have for dinner.

- You will embarrass yourself. You will fall off your treadmill/step/bike/the ground and try your best to save face by standing up as quickly as possible. The effort you make to 'catch' yourself will only injure you further.

- When you finally return to the gym after a 3 month hiatus after falling on your ass, someone will mention that they haven't seen you in ages and you will be even more embarrassed.

- You will accidentally eat an extra 800 calories the morning of the same day you plan to go out and have a huge dinner. This accident generally comes in the form of an office muffin. You will innocently look up the calories online at your desk. You will still go out dinner. But you will also feel like the biggest tub of lard the next day.

And not care.

- Someone you know and thought was totally sane will decide to pick up a crazy habit to lose weight/build muscle/be less of a lard ass. You will ignore this because, duh, they are crazy. Their crazy will pay off and you will hate them.

- If you do lose weight and feel healthy someone will mention that they think you are anorexic/don't eat enough/must have a stomach worm. You will ignore them and only feel better about yourself. You will then google stomach worms.

- Your mother/grandmother/cousin/great aunt twice removed will reminisce about your childhood and mention how you were such a skinny little kid back then. You will spend the following holiday sure she trying to pork you up.

- You will become addicted to a 'normal' food like applesauce, toast, hummus. You will realize that this box a day of wheat thins/100 calorie pack/raisin obsession is probably what is making your pants tighter. You will continue consuming this 'normal' item until you actually must by all new pants. You wont buy new pants.

I'm sure I'm missing some, help me out!

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